.wh

2011-11-15T05:12:00.000-08:00

i came to school to work. not be fucking laughed at.

2011-02-27T05:59:00.000-08:00

when u take up a commitment, make sure you commit by it. if not, go away. and you should never be heard again. ever.

2011-02-20T05:57:00.000-08:00

i need to learn to do things at my own pace. they can say all they want, but they aren't the ones doing it. and that, i need to understand and shall refrain to advise people on what they should do, too. because i know nothing at all.

stop telling me what i should be and do and say and do and be and say and act and wear and eat and write and talk and do and say and write and dress and design and.

i exist not as a construct of what you want to see, but as a manifestation of my own thoughts and actions.

nowhere is safe

2011-02-05T06:08:00.000-08:00

life is an endless search of something familiar.
eating favorite food, doing favorite activities, hanging out with favorite people - favoritism has become a safety net. when things go wrong, you know what to do.
sometimes, all i want is just to say something, and not cause hurt to anyone, even to the person intended. the net becomes a good medium, if everyone could just respect the sensitivity of the issue. not everyone treat the internet as carelessly as you would to a helpless ant crawling randomly across your keyboard. perhaps we have reach the age of promiscuity and you may question the legitimacy of contents found online. if devil is real, then so is god. following this argument, there are perhaps little truths here and there amidst the exaggerations and bragging. Finders keepers, and that perhaps entitled you to hollering whatever you see on the net to everyone, but haven't you ever thought, if that someone wanted to broadcast a certain piece of information, does he/she have to timidly post it on some privatized outlet?

i admit i'm a coward. and perhaps a fraud. but you aren't any better, you insensitive piece of earth scum. and i mean all of you.

for nowhere is safe, not even your own brain.

2011-01-22T08:49:00.000-08:00

after all these years, I've realised that it is so much easier to admit that I'm in the wrong rather than I'm right, no matter how bad my heart feels afterward.
people are selfish.
and someone just got to compromise.
although i kept asking myself, why does it got to be me.
but as how rhetorical questions normally work, i've stopped asking. and start accepting.

i like to run at night. perhaps that is the time i know, i can actually run far far away and perhaps never come back.

2010-11-28T08:58:00.001-08:00

i think im always torn between wanting to say something, or just keep quiet to go with the flow.
supposedly, it always happened during conversations or meetings or discussions.
but being conversations, shouldn't words be more spontaneous? hence, it'd be acceptable for words to flow as they like. so long that they are not personal or hurtful or blatant or too senseless.
during meetings, it seems to me that people would want to say something constructive, or not-so-obvious. that goes for discussion. partly being my wishful thinking. unless you are the "supposed" leader, your final words matter. not that you will have the final say, but you construct the final say for the group.
but somehow, i think no one takes me seriously.
serious accusations indeed; that they do not take me to be speaking logically, and i am not logical.
perhaps they are true.
somehow, i've lost the interest to speak up. i do not want to state the obvious. i do want to say something incremental. i hate the sound of my voice. words are cheap and actions are worthed more.
so its that why somehow or another, i'm always left out from the bigger picture? because i have a small voice during discussion? so im the court jester now? the comic relief?
something dispensable?
i think my sense of novelty go down after the long run.
times like that make me wonder how do i fit into this bigger picture call life.
so do i own my life? or they own my life? or perhaps i owe life? or i owe them my life?
cateogarise, explain, then evaluate.

2010-11-21T05:40:00.000-08:00

i dont think one should be still doing this at year 4.
i dont think my models skills are any better than a year 1.
i dont think this semester project had added anything to my portfolio.

but i think the next semester should be a better one.
not all hope is lost yet.
if it is any consolation, i'm turning a quarter century old soon.
i need to lose all that flabbiness, maybe get contacts, and like a tan, get a gym membership, get a driving license, dye my hair, go to a proper hairstylist, buy a leather jacket. ah. all these consumings are bad.
but i dont care.
shallow so shall it be.

2010-10-28T19:06:00.000-07:00

i am pretty sick of chasing loose ends and trying to make everything work.
this is not what i've signed up for.

do not pity me, for i don't want to be mistaken as the victim here.
i think, there ain't any victims, for there wasn't a real culprit to start off with.

i shall just do what i was told to, and do more, personally, just because i want to.
the rest can just eat my shit.

seriously.
and i will really shut up this time round.
im sick of people calling me a slave driver, anal, and all those nasty remarks.

i dont think i would be updating this blog for long.
i want to blog about interesting things.
not sadness and depression and angst.

they say i am angsty.
i think i cant hide my expressions very well.
or that is a mask to hide all my fears and insecurities.
i cant decide.
but the world has pretty much decided for me anyway.

2010-09-12T10:43:00.000-07:00

i realise i cant handle people.
especially this bunch.
so, i'm deciding to give up.
why bother. right?
so much for the final say.

2010-09-11T22:29:00.001-07:00

think so much just to be slapped in the face.
its not worth it.
seriously.
to hell with all!

2010-09-08T11:58:00.000-07:00

the port is like the pulse of singapore's survival.
its odd to know how much singapore's survival depends on the outside world. indeed the world is singapore's hinterland. so does that mean that our fate depends heavily on the rest of the world? does that mean we have to shape ourselves according to how others would want to see us? and what if we fail? what if we refuse to do that?

perhaps i could work along this line for my thesis.
architecture. identity. and the rest of the world.

i hate it when people try very hard to associate me with their thoughts. its worrying and depressing.

crash and burn

2010-09-05T18:56:00.001-07:00

this sums up nicely how i felt during these past weeks.
year 4 sucks, big time.

secretly

2010-08-25T15:19:00.000-07:00

i think i'd have done not bad in dts.
i think design track is kind of bullshit.
i want to be like the juniors.
i know that being the same is so much easier than being the odd one out.
i know nobody knows my existence, and if i were to stay put long enough, i can just fade away and disappear.

2010-08-14T08:06:00.001-07:00

and so, school has started for a week now. and its all crazy, as usual.

i balloted for ams, which stands for asian masters studio, because of its uniqueness among the other briefs. it's somewhat exciting and interesting, though both words are taboo words i would use when i dont know what to say. and to my utter surprise, my studio is full of strong students. a-lister wannabes to be exact. and not forgetting the ability to render people to tears - ev. its scary, stressed, and yet refreshing. still, i don't find myself very vocal in studio. it's like i'm always missing the main point in a discussion. and when i talk, i find myself sicken by own my words, it's disgusting and disturbing. oh when will i ever learn.

and i'm involved in publication. it's a newsletter which had been initiated eons ago and it has always been an on off thing for years. but now, we hope to revive it. by saying 'we' makes me sound noble, but seriously, i thought i was just helping out a little initially. but now, i'm in too deep. well. hopefully it would be out next week. i cant wait for the school's response. it'd be a bi-monthly affair, so watch out.

i should be cadding but now i'm typing incoherently.
i like to find distractions.

2010-08-02T11:37:00.000-07:00

so inception speaks of people entering the same dream to steal/plant ideas.
and to wake up, they are either shaken badly, tipped over, drown, in real time. or die, in dream time. however, whatever the pain they feel in their dream time is real. and they would remember every single details, even though its a dream. and of course, dream has no beginning, but only the middle, and perhaps an end.
life does have a beginning, but we don't have any recollection of it, and a whole lot of middles, and of course, an end.
and in order to agree on the fact that we are dreaming, falling asleep and the detection of abnormalities that defy law of physics or any other scientific explanation are required.
and in order to agree on the fact that we are not dreaming, waking up and the agreement of normality that define the universe that we are exposed to ever since birth (which we have no recollections other then the nurses and doctors and your screaming mothers) are required.
but how real are they? are they real because you say so? or are they real because they do not do as you say so? but could it be that the more you want a person to do something, the subconscious will then project the most obvious-the opposite.

so, when do we really wake up from all the nonsense? i did hear, perhaps, the world that we are live in is actually from someone's dream. god's dream? mine dream? your dream? our dream?

so, why dont i start dreaming a little dream of me, for me, to me.

2010-07-23T04:14:00.000-07:00

if people around start doing the same thing, would you follow, just to fit in, or stop doing what you have been taught cause its easier?

human beings never ceased to amuse me.
there are always theories and logics to defend whatever nonsense they are doing.
whatever crimes they are committing.
whatever behavior they are sporting.
its tiring to see.

and i hate it when humans start to put fellow humans down just to make themselves feel superior.
do i do that? maybe. and i am ashamed.

all are coming to an end. very soon enough.

i think

2010-07-20T20:40:00.000-07:00

this looks nice.
i need to find a cheaper version of this.

2010-07-15T00:14:00.000-07:00

i think working life as an architect is no fun at all.
i can't wait for school to start.
but thinking of all the poker faces i'm going to see, ain't that exciting.

2010-06-04T10:47:00.000-07:00

i feel useless somehow.
perhaps its the nagging voice behind me to change this lineweight and pull this line out and copy this section out.
perhaps its the assuming language that i'm not accustomed to comprehending.
perhaps its the opposing debates that render me speechless.
perhaps its the bellowing air making my eyes dry and tired.

i dont know what to say. and do.

but how does one know what one know until one know what one don't know, for the inverse of what one don't know will then be what one will definetely know, ceterius paribus, ain't that right, no?

2010-05-14T08:43:00.000-07:00

I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the
Top of my lungs
I don’t know where to go what’s the right team
I want my own thing, so bad I’m gonna scream!
I can’t choose, so confused, what’s it all mean?
I want my own dream, so bad I’m gonna scream!

"so what the hell are you waiting for? burst the eardrums out, and let their sides bleed with agony and jealousy"

2010-04-27T08:54:00.001-07:00

kick-ass, as in the film, was a reminder to me that sometimes, i shouldn't be so afraid of life. i mean, what's the worse it can happen, right? i should just take it easy, accept any kicks along the way, and die, if i have to. and live, if i'm lucky.
then, as the usual geeky self, i went to wiki-ed kick-ass and found out it had a comic book to it. and the comic book story plot was a lot of grimier that the movie story plot.
and of course, kick-ass song track was, erm, kick-ass!

2010-04-20T17:13:00.001-07:00

does adding birds silhouettes to renderings make ur design look better?
don't know.
have not try it yet.

i think adding dragons silhouettes are far more awesome.

2010-04-17T00:51:00.000-07:00

is it still architecture if there is no pump room?
is it still design if it looks simple?
is it still worthwhile if all i see are regrets and complaints?

in this new age of technology

2010-03-30T11:32:00.000-07:00

being unfamous is worse than being poor.

birthdays become an excuse to start/continue talking.

annoyment is the new entertainment.

likes to show off, hates to be judged.

the virtual is more real than the reality.

sucks to me than you.

2010-03-24T14:53:00.000-07:00

with my coffee-stained breaths and trembling fingers, i shall refrain myself from puking all over the tas keyboard.
i cant imagine myself doing these the rest of my life.
and i shant.

must find a way to break out of this. MUST.

2010-03-07T04:29:00.000-08:00

i can feel my health deteriorating.
get breathless easily. lethargic. no drive to work.
i ran last friday and i could not run non-stop for more than 10 minutes. horrible. sometimes, i do wish that pe lessons are incorporated into the uni system. then again, we are all adults and theres no one responsible for our healths than ourselves.
i see people who are like healthy and happy-looking and like came back from exercising and the glow of pink and skin makes me want to go to sleep. (this whole sentence doesn't make sense but that's really what i feel sometimes) or dig a hole and hide my face in shame and/or horror.

Am I asking for too much
Ohio board on statewide holiday planning?
All I want is just one day a year
where I'm not visually assaulted
by uglies and fatties.
Seriously, Ohio,
these retinas need a day off.
So here's the dream:
Friday after christmas
- which I have off -
If you're hideous, stay at home.
Spend the entire day
watching home videos of a time
when you're weren't too repulsive
for me to ever want to look at.

AND THAT'S HOW SUE SEES IT

-sue slyvester, glee.

i laughed, both at her and me. but mostly me.

2010-03-03T08:20:00.000-08:00

228. end of this month, a certain orangey apple will be mine muahahahahha cough cough splurks.

the last supper

2010-02-27T18:26:00.000-08:00

is a long mural done by the great one done on a chapel wall over a door. it depicts a long table, with people talking, hands gesturing, clutter of food and utensils.

@ sunset way.

@ holland village's crystal jade la mian xiao long bao.

don't they strike a certain resemblance graphically? perhaps not contextually, as no one was betrayed, unless you talking about personal health and weight nonsense.

2010-02-25T07:43:00.000-08:00

had a dream about the world engulfed by zombie outbreak. i was one of the survivors. and was enlisted back to an army. then this army is kind of strange. and the officers were quite chill. then we went outfield for a test drive and then we had can food and drinks. then we dig a hole to dump the cans. then this officer went to dig through the ground and realise this dumping cave underground. and we got punished.
then i was driving. then i created a jam. but still my driving skills were quite good because of the stress from the jam.
then where are the zombies again?
i once dreamt about them in a school-like hospital factory place. it had a laboratory feel to it. then got sudden outbreak. and i just knew it. so i gathered some people and we scramble all over the place through doors and vents to get outside. its like a maze. and when we got outside, some of the zombies look like college hockey players and they were jeering at me, running. and they look like humans.
then got a lot of soldiers outside creating like a safe barrier for the human survivors.

zombies are like top of the food chain. they eat human. why can't they eat dogs or cats? or cockroaches? or rats? maybe they like brains, and human has the biggest one? or humans are the easiest creature to hunt?

i can't really imagine if the world is engulfed by zombies. do i stand a chance to survive? or is dying an easier way out.

its like stephen king's cell. on a superficial level.

or maybe its metaphorical as a get-away solution to the stagnant design process i'm having. contradicting big times.

2010-02-16T05:30:00.000-08:00

i need to draw up a workout plan. architecture is not an excuse. but now work first.

a zodiac piece

2010-02-07T16:53:00.000-08:00

residing next to me is a lying rat,
its stench is a stubborn mule.

a tiger's tempest has long past her peak
and like a rabbit, she's rocking herself to sleep.

every 3.1233 minutes a dragon roared past hurriedly,
snaking through the concrete jungle hungrily.

stop horsing around,
my hand slapped my face sheepishly.

king of the apes, or is he not.
the sound of the rooster could stir him no more.

my puppy eyes, my puffy eyes, oh my poofy eyes,
hogging up the reflection, i shall continue some more.

2010-02-07T07:48:00.000-08:00

the strong wind blew
nothing moved
the door slammed shut
nothing heard
we walked past now
nothing said
we walked past again
nothing made

and now the wind blew again
this time
i hope
nothing was there.

2010-02-06T06:58:00.000-08:00

if i look back at my life, i would still not know why it turns out to be like this.
i do hope, wish, pray that when i go out to work and start earning money, it will be all better.

but deep
down
inside,
i know its never going to be.

and if i were to die anytime sooner, i really don't mind. cause im afraid of what my future will bring.

part of a certain food chain

2010-01-31T07:25:00.000-08:00

time, place & situation play a crucial part in the game of urban jungle survival.
everyone wants to emerge victorious. or at the end of this long food chain.
but law of conversation of energy teaches us that the longer the food chain, the more nutrients/energy will be lost.
so its either we get more energy and be eaten up, or be at the end and eat more up. its a tough choice. i'd rather breathe air. mediation allows one to draw energy from surrounding without eating, or so i heard.

things we do in school

2010-01-30T13:11:00.001-08:00

a, last week's work.
and now they are all scattered around the lounge area. me too lazy to clear them up. or anyone. the smell and the horror.
unless we get an official complaint. till then, they will just stay there.

2010-01-27T07:47:00.000-08:00

these are the moments when i have this strong urge of quitting school.

1. i'm busier than anyone in my family. (i.e. i wake up before them, go to bed after them) (if that does not equate to busy, i do not know what is)
2. when the payment of school fees is round the corner.
3. when i know someone (who is working), is eating the money away from the house funds.
4. all the people i know are happily getting monthly salary and flaunting it in all possible ways.
5. when my mum says, "how many more years you have to study, ar?"
6. when i feel really really tired.
7. when conversations around me involve nothing but architecture. com'on. life is more than that. architecture shouldn't be a faith, or religion. and you are not a pastor.
8. when its late at night.
9. and when the mrt trains start to run past my house at 5.45 am again.
10. when my heart aches, and no one in my family understands.

i do not think im in a good position to fight for the rights of an architecture student. i think if we put a law student, a medicine student, an architecture student and a business student around a table, the following situation may occur. the business student will think of ways to market the image of the law and med students, the law student will start to correct everyone's conversation to make it sound more politically correct, the med student will start to list the potential illnesses that the 3 other students are likely to die from, and the architecture student (oh you poor thing), will only think about the aesthetics of the wooden table with its minimal footprint structure and the elegance of the round form. like who the f cares.

2010-01-05T07:21:00.000-08:00

holidays are ending. which means school term is starting.
if anyone asked me what i've done or been to in the past month, please restrain me the urge to take a penknife and stab that person in the eyes.
let me wallow in self-pity, ohyoupoorthing.
ive heard the phrase oh too many times. how i wish my life is really that straightforward. and people around me can really understand the words coming out from my mouth, or my eyes, or my facial expressions.
i do hate my life, not in the drug, alcholic parents, leaving under a bridge kind of way, but still, the emptiness in my life is beginning to show, and so is the hairline.
officially 24 years had passed since 3 days ago, and if i'm lucky (or not), i may have 2 or 3 more 24 years to go. a new day may mean new hopes or resolutions, but the only better resolution i want is for my camera. the false sense of time is invented by us anyway, so why bother in celebrating such exaggerated eves and spray nonsense fires into the sky? humans cant be more extravagant. just look at dubai tower. its magnificient. wait till the sand covers half of it.
they should all start learning from my dad. 3 years ago, he didn't even know i was 21. and this year, he gave me 50. 2 per year, and 2 more for luck. people ask me why do i look so glum. i seriously don't know why.
and so i hope that in 20 years down the road, i wont see myself still struggling with the meaning behind my life like the coach in Hung, or breathing through face masks like the old ladies in The Happening. maybe i'd fancy battling undeads in Zombieland or find myself whisked away to a planet with floating mountains and blue people in Avatar. till then, lets hope hormones wont get the better of me, or my already dying body cells.

happy belated birthday to me. how i wished i'm still 18.

2009-12-28T05:15:00.000-08:00

one of the quarries of pulau ubin.

a second visit brought new sights and sounds, and aching to my thighs and butt. stepping into a wild island on its own, one may see the countless of barricades and fences, road blocks and no entry signs. they are there to keep us from harm, or Mother Nature from harm, i wonder. if we are all part of nature, then why are we so painstakingly separated from nature time after time? if we destroy mother nature, no one knows what will happen. and if mother nature destroys us, no one will be left to know what will happen. since its a lose-lose situation, shouldn't we start living in harmony with mother nature now?

say no to cars and yes to public transports, bicycles and legs.

2009-12-24T08:11:00.000-08:00

i think if i think real hard enough, the answers may just appear in my dreams. and that will be a very strange dream instead.

2009-12-12T07:46:00.000-08:00

当生活被大学所支配的时候，步伐变得紧凑。天天都有忙不完的作业，满足不了的需求，完成不了的目标。真希望在隔天醒来的时候，一切的辛苦将会过去，鼻子再也不是被学校牵着走。
终于假期来到了。虽然步伐变的缓慢很多，天天都有看不完的电视，可是需求和目标，不见的就已被满足及完成。
我希望我的一生将是个特别精彩的电影 - 充满着惊人的特效，温馨的画面，感人的对白，幽默的人物；好让看过的人都惊叹不已，忙追着看下一集。
但是，简单的生活未必不是一个坏的电影主题。最重要的是，看过的人会不会因此而学到人生道理。因为毕竟一部再好的电影，如果被画蛇添足般的特效、画面、对白、人物给“点缀”一番，看的过程虽然精彩，心里过后却会不自主的感到空虚，乏味。

戏虽如人生，人生却并非如戏。错过了，不会有重播。演完了，也不会有待续。

unwanted obligation

2009-11-24T04:41:00.000-08:00

the word obligation comes from the word oblige, which encompasses the idea of being bounded by law or by conscience. both factors are deemed restricting, and oppose the concept of freedom and free-will. obligation does not come about spontaneously, nor from the spur of a moment, on blue moons, and is not pleasant at all. basically, obligations are necessary, and yet dislike by many.

taking for example the idea of waking people up. as the sun sets, people (most of them) go to sleep. they shut their eyes, rest their tired bodies, feel the softness of pillows and mattresses, and let their minds wander off to the land of dreams. slowly, the sun began its climb over the horizons, and people (most of them, again) start to wake up. their alarms rang off shrieking at the top, their bed partners shaking the bed, their dogs or cats jumping onto their faces... one way or another, people start to wake up. some unfortunately, need a little push. some, need even more.

and that's when they start to give unwanted obligations to innocent passers-by. [unlike my mother who likes the terror upon face when she wakes people up unorthodox-ly].

its hard trying to wake up. sandman does a neat job on our eyelids. but as we go about doing our daily routines and minding our own business, we still have to go around waking people up. people with morning breaths, bad temper, people who mumble in their sleep, sleepwalkers, heavy sleepers, people who the tendency to go back to bed with the give-me-5-more-minutes excuse, people who throw pillows at you, people who realise they need not wake up after you spending the past hour trying hard to wake them up, people who are deaf in one ear and choose-to-be-deaf in another, the list could go on and on.

and finally, you manage to get them up. they don't look too happy. perhaps it was you who brought them back to reality. or its your shrill voice that they could not stand. or you saw their crazy hair. or you scared the skins out of them when you decided to use the banshee-technique. still, you manage to get them out, your obligation done, and one more enemy made. its not such a good morning after all.

however, what happened if they do not wake up on time? so, you go about your daily life, and 2 hours later, the person you were trying to wake up finally doused out of their dreamlands. they smacked their dry lips and rubbed their heavy eyes and looked at the clocks. why the hell didn't you wake me up, rattle rattle rant rant, now i'm late you happy now, shout shout curse and swear, my boss is going to kill me, brush teeth water running, is it so hard just to wake someone up my god, swear and curse some more... either way, you are to be blamed. and that was not such a good morning for both of you.

of course, there are people who wake up with just one push. these are the lucky few light-sleepers. and definitely, if you have a fine good reason to wake up to, you will definitely wake up, most probably on your own. if not, try imagining your house is on perpetual morning fires. or just don't sleep at all. and as for me, i simply just not wake people up at all. they don't deserve it.

2009-11-20T21:55:00.000-08:00

i do hate small talks.
are you ok? im not. silence.
nice shirt, new one? yes. silence.
you look pale, not enough sleep? yes. silence.
what's up? nothing. silence.

how about...

smile. smile. smile. silence. smile. smile. silence. smile. silence.
or just.
silence. silence. silence. silent.

videos to cheer me up. sort of.

2009-11-18T09:52:00.000-08:00

how should entertainment be? weird fashion from lady gaga, hot-ass dancing from beyonce, controversies from britney spears, attitude from katy perry, body-contorsions from shakira and guitar strumming from taylor swift. perhaps miley cyrus can do her little country gig in the background.
that will be hella-of-a visual treat.

2009-11-17T19:55:00.000-08:00

after all the sleepless nights, my works still looked amatuerish.
if i don't start, i'll be finished.
im torn between playing and working. perhaps, just perhaps, my future does not lie in architecture but something else i've yet to find. so what do i really want to do?
and what can i really be good in? just have to find out myself. im not talking sense, am i?
no motivation to carry on. does it come naturally, or do i have to find it.

like a dragon

2009-11-04T09:48:00.000-08:00

thank god this was not at kallang. or it may be called the "kallang wave".
and thank god for the railings, or it may be called "henderson waves goodbye to suicidal teens".

one of my tutors had a discussion over dinner. he did the talking mainly. i just smile and nod my head. perhaps im too boring afterall. anyway, he was sort of saying architecture in singapore is not as "cultured" as in other countries. parents don't bring their kids to museum to teach them about the architectural intents. maybe there aren't enough to start with. architecture or knowledge, either or/and. anyway, singaporeans don't give shit to a lot of things, unless there is a mega sale, mcdonalds monopoly winning gimmicks, toto/4D, chopping of seats during lunch hours, annual bonus, grades, money, and getting seats in mrt trains, public display of attraction, teachers scolding kids, the list could go on and on. well. it seems we DO care about a lot of things, trival things. hurray for cheap thrills!

p.s. and this photo reminded me i need to get my hands on better camera. a dslr! hope one drop from the skin pretty soon, on soft padding or else it may smash to smitterings.

2009-11-04T09:37:00.000-08:00

things aren't as bad as i always think they'd be.
perhaps the "hope for the best & prepare for the worst" applies to me so much that i'd hate to lose, but will then hate myself for hating to lose later on.
given my character, i tend to potray situation in the most exaggerated manner possible. to gain pity, to make myself sound important, to garner attention - i have no idea. what i know at that moment was that i've not given my very best, and i'm going through hell because of that.
and so, i blame myself. for this plight. that plight. and every plights that'll surface in the future. or just in my visions. or in my dreams. nightmares to be exact.

2009-11-01T06:21:00.000-08:00

i want to go running again. holiday come fast.

2009-10-31T07:58:00.000-07:00

desire is the key to motivation.
live everyday as though its your last.
outdo no one but yourself.

all these frivolous talks are not helping. talk is cheap. quotes are cheaper. complaints, the cheapest.

humans are social creatures after all. if i were to be stranded on an island all by myself, i think i will find a coconut and hit my head hard against it, to die, or at least get amnesia. life's not so worthwhile.
or is it...?

2009-10-18T06:59:00.000-07:00

this can't be too personal, as people out there are reading out loud.
and yet it can't be too non-personal, as it's a blog for crying out loud.

i like this song by boyslikegirls and taylorswift. title is: two is better than one.
here's the unplugged version.

and since the title says so, here's another version of it.

so when will i ever learn about that?

2009-10-08T21:02:00.000-07:00

i just want an average life. feel like just quitting everything right now.

2009-10-07T10:02:00.000-07:00

memories best describe a place.

2009-10-04T08:30:00.000-07:00

they roam. void decks. drains. dark alleys.
and amongst our lives.

they meowed to say hello.
we kicked to say hello back.

i feel,
more of their kinds should start roaming our streets.

a myraid of images

2009-09-26T01:46:00.000-07:00

coffee beans.

shophouses.

watermelon.

bananas.

zaha.

chendol.

sweaty backs.

sunburnt skins with a line in between.

parallel.

58th second.

pizza hut.

bats.

cats.

ringgits.

fake window.

laksa.

chicken rice balls with twice the chilli.

squealing rubber chicken.

melaka.

new site.

2009-08-29T20:28:00.000-07:00

i think i can turn invisible if i want to.
and if i try hard enough, i can just evaporate and be gone forever...

2009-07-25T04:42:00.000-07:00

hogwarts students spotted.

half blood prince was not half bad, nor good. would be full if fighting scene and funeral scenes weren't excluded in the script. and so, poof.

moonkist

2009-07-15T07:54:00.000-07:00

the half moon hung high and orange as a mere mortal attempted to capture her infidelity with a piece of sub-standard light capturing device. the mere mortal was then reminded of how hardwork may not equate to good results. and in this cycle of karma, its like a washing machine put on a 1000-years spinning; you hope to get clean but what you get are dizziness and entanglement.

he sighed. but stopped.

as the moon began winding, the orange smile shone like a piece of gem. and he smiled back.

hopefully again and again.

versus the wind

2009-07-07T08:54:00.000-07:00

marina barrage is a great place to fly kite. but the ir buildings killed the scenery. this is what i may label as insensitive architecture bent on showing off technological advancement instead of human interaction.

holidays have been really boring for me. but on a hindsight, i am a boring person, so that should match. while people are having fun playing with sands or cardboards or rearranging pictures, i shall have fun looking at excel sheets, old files and compactus shelves.

school please start sooner.

or dont at all.

2009-06-21T08:32:00.000-07:00

i think i deserve what im getting. so no qualms about that.
but are the rest of the world deserving enough? that only time will tell, and perhaps, tongues will wag.

dont play with the grap(d)es

2009-06-01T08:25:00.000-07:00

and don't think too much of the title. they do not come in pairs and are not exclusive to a certain human species. just a private joke.

results were released last friday. as my heart fluttered with excitement over the keyboard and waiting frantically for the clock to strike eleven, the window refreshes and a familiar bold-lined table was shown. the moment was here. and it did not take long for me to relinquish the moment.

not.

i told myself to be sad only for a day. grades aren't everything, an almost hypocritical statement yet. yet this rather materialistic form of reward is what that keeps me going on. no one has praised me for a very long time. no one has tell me how good i really am, at least, sincerely. alphabets are the closest to what i can relate and be comforted by. although people may hate me for my insensitivity, but rest assured, i do not judge with people, but within them. but who am i to judge? i'm just an insolent spoilt brat, thinking that the world is not treating me right, and everyone is out to get me down.

and so, with the fullstop, i shall end the sadness of ABCs and get ahead with my life. indeed, grades are not everything. but to someone who has always not been recognised by talents but by reports, ABCs tend to be easy comprehended by the majority commoners, ain't it?

2009-05-22T07:05:00.000-07:00

in the end, i did not make at scene in the morning.
first of all, i was running late.
second, my mum went market and my dad went to bed. no one to see my show, so why bother.
and last of all, i know what the outcome will be anyway. my dad will scream at me, my mum will scold me for my carelessness, then they will shout at my brother, and my brother will retort back by saying he wants to sleep.

some people are born assholes, and poor us have no choice but to be assess.
go figure.

on a happier note,

maplestory has an episode 2! which is taking forever for me to download.

because the game has a problem with the anti hacking program, making me unable to play the game. so the smart-ass me went to uninstall the game, and to install the game all over again, hoping that will solve the problem.
but the problem could be solved by just simple patching.
what the.

another game i was hooked on was this.
i made this wallpaper myself.

it is a 3d graphics game with 2d scrolling technique, so there is no fear of getting motion sickness.

furthurmore, the anime-inspired rendering make the game play enduring. looting could never be easier (by just walking over) and levelling up could not be more challenging (combo hits could be achieved)

but it has just ended its closed beta stage. awaiting the OPEN BETA.

so what i have to do is to sneeze my wait away. my nose's in the flu the whole day. its karma.

2009-05-21T10:11:00.001-07:00

i swear to god tomorrow morning will be a hell of a morning.
mark my words, brother, for you have taken too much from me.
and hence, you are going down.

sunday at the da vinci's

2009-05-18T07:55:00.000-07:00

it was an utter disappointment. and since they do not allow us to take photos at all, this is all the images i can get [other than the one pogo forcefully want me to take with the bigger-that-life-size vitruvian man poster hanging outside the exhibition hall]. i know da vinci is a great man with a genius mind, but the exhibition is so static, i do not see how genius the machines and mechanics and the sketches were. the only interesting part of the exhibition is to see how the visitors play with the hands-on machines, and seeing them fumble with the gears and the look of i-want-to-try-everything-even-though-i-have-no-idea-what-i-am-doing on their faces were rather hilarious. and mona lisa is over-analysed. over.
and it was quite fresh to know that on the last supper, which was on a wall AND not a canvas, a door was actually built on it cause people see the painting fading away. and a clay model for a perfect horse sculpture done by da vinci was used as target training during war and destroyed. this does show that we are not only disgusting, we are ignorant and stupid.

anyway, i did not get the waitering job. just because i have no experience. and hence, this show that in whatever we do, we need to have experience. but if i have no chance at doing anything, WHERE'S THE GOD-DAMNED EXPERIENCE?

2009-05-14T07:06:00.000-07:00

总觉得所谓的"经典"华语歌曲比较动听、耐人寻味. 歌词里的含义、所表达的画面 - 是很多现代流行歌曲都无法做到的. 现在的人不是太早熟, 就是熟不了. 做起事来不是三分钟热度, 就是草草了事. 完美, 真的有那么难吗? 假设的完美跟真实的完美, 又有什么分别呢? 在追求完美完成及只想完成的态度之间, 往往只相差在要或者不要, 不是吗?

究竟我在等什么呢?

2009-05-11T22:38:00.000-07:00

after a visit to it coop, travelmate sprung back to life, and is armed with a new keypad and battery. now i can type all the i's and 9's in the world. yay.
a week after exams. exactly a week. though holidays for me has started ever since after p4 submission, still, its nice to know its officially here.

been running almost every day, hoping that could make up for the unhealthiness during school term. and also to prepare myself for rt starting this sat. its all the way at khatib camp. oh why am i so weak and meek.

going for a job interview later. if successful, i would be doing waitering. why waiter; i have no idea. but for two things sure, i dont like office jobs and i never tried waitering before. hope my pessimism won't get the better of me later.

almost everyone i know is going overseas. almost. china, america, malaysia, dubai, taiwan, australia. everywhere, cept mexico. but flu aside, its still painful to know they are so free to go wherever they like. money do make the world go round, and hence i shall stay rooted in my small room and grow mould and dust.

high on piano covers. been collecting them via listentoyoutube for a while now. this is when words do really not matter at all. how i wished my mum enrolled me in piano classes when i was little. not that it's not possible now, but my fingers are all stiff and you-cant-teach-an-old-dog-new-tricks.

maple is getting on my nerves for dc-ing me everynow and then. restaurant city is getting routinally boring.

been searching for the series true blood on youku and tudou but the episodes either don't load, are mislinked, or non-existent. true blood is a story about a world where vampires and humans coexist, and in this small town, this telepathic waitress has a close encounter with a vampire and a story of supernatural in a natural way happens. include lots of hot sex and dirty talks. anyone has that series please tell me.

in the process of clearing my room. hate to throw things away, but this time i need to be stern about textbooks and notes. garang guni or not, they are getting out of my life.

did tarot readings about my family last week. the readings aint good, but vaguely accurate. nothing new that i not know, but it clears the mind.

i hope this holidays would be one i won't forget.

first paper, on a saturday. one more and holidays are here.

2009-05-01T07:47:00.000-07:00

as the hours drew nearer than usual, the air thickens with humidity and noise, ventilation stale and uninspiring.
was browsing through the blogs of 2 peers who are now studying in sadm. one has this extensive portfolio of his works, consisting of prints, drawings and photographs. another one has these interesting views of technology of html and programming. and both have this superb skill of communicating with the graphics of pixels that make them micah the second, third or even first; and make me the sylar with hands itching to pry their brains open to eat their abilties raw.
nonetheless, having a portfolio of works is a must have for designers. for certificates and study reports are not applicable for the creative fields. clients want to be excited by colours and concepts, not words and words and more words. perhaps words is a way of expression, but they need to know what inspire you. what are your influences. who do you look up to. who do you idolise.

i guess after getting my laptop fixed, i need to start learning how to have an e-portfolio and finish whatever works i feel need finishing and present myself to the world, or die doing it.

or stay buried and wait for someone to suddenly stumble upon a lump and dig me up.

what say me.

2009-04-29T07:58:00.000-07:00

getting my laptop spoilt is a sure way to get disconnected with the world. although i have no idea which part of the laptop is busted, i do hope the drive is intact and need not be reformated, for all my works are in there.
it really sucks to be me.
too many problems, too much procrastinating, and too many tied-downs. excuses, yes they are all. and with all that, i do have no idea how this post entry will end. its like i have no desire to capture the exciting moments of my life. define exciting. define life.
with all these other people telling me what i should do and what life should be all about, i tend to be snobbish and ask them to buzz off, one way or another. shouldn't i be given the freedom to experience what i want and how i want to feel, then be introduced to the conceptions of life and then forced to partake in people's definitions of things?
i think i should be a hermit. solitude is rather enticing, after having a taste of the opposite.

2009-04-22T01:09:00.000-07:00

pass me the stapler.
i want food.
the plotter is spoilt.
are you going to dubai.
why arent you going tennis.
is the powerpoint ready.
you want to share present.
no book, fucking no book.
please be quiet for 2 and a half minute.
what is this about.

and so i did.
and i owe people money.
the plotter went well again.
i'm not.
that question was not directed to me.
in the end, i did it.
yes, 10 dollars, and can we get her a book?
you did not pay last year anyway.
that presentation was kind of lame.
and that's what's all about.

crit day. and perhaps start of something new.

2009-04-16T19:08:00.001-07:00

today is the day.
for i have no computer-ed graphics, 3d models, or fanciful rendering/cadding of my design.
just big models and pitiful hand drawings.
vow to myself, master cad and sketchup during holidays.
in the meantime, photos of models to savour before i get slaughtered later on.

three more days to submission

2009-04-12T02:23:00.001-07:00

and i haven done any panels. my model has only ONE HUGE wall, and i'm not cadding, handdrawing and life is so hard and i still have time to blog rubbish. aint life a racket?

hate-ntry

2009-04-03T08:28:00.000-07:00

i know people don't take me seriously.
but that's not an excuse to excuse me out of the flow of the bigger things. i have a name, a rather simple-and-easy-to-remember name. and my face is around far longer than that empty coffee cup lying at some dinghy corner. there's no reason to play with words and mislead me to my embarrassment, and blame it on sorry-i-missed-it.

and i'm not reading in too much.
everyone should be treated with a minimal amount of respect.
that's the only time the world is fair.
let just maintain it.

i know what i'm made of. the same as everyone out there. remember that.

what?

2009-03-31T16:18:00.001-07:00

thus marked the end of arki construction madness for the rest of academia.
though it was tough, i will miss the fun.
my group did not win anything though. no one asked about the sculpture anyway, 'cept for the fact that a dragonfly flew and settled on its tip.
but life's not just about winning, aint it?
but at moments like this, don't you wish that you are the winner, and not that somebody else?

group work

2009-03-28T04:22:00.000-07:00

is one hell of a way to sow discord and unhappiness. tested and proven.
or maybe its just me.

2009-03-21T06:19:00.000-07:00

it is never enough.

a day is not.
a model is not.
a smile is not.
a question is not.
a email is not.
a call is not.
a visit is not.
a snapshot is not.
a drawing is not.
a section is not.

one demand is not.
one penny is not.
one favour is not.
one bite is not.
one death is not.
one life is not.
one deadline is not.
one look is not.

once in a while is not.
once upon a time is not.
once in a blue moon is not.
once bitten twice shy is not.

but for this once, can i make it stop?

2009-03-15T15:49:00.000-07:00

the world is freaking unfair
don't get me started with the urban test
though it happened last week, or the previous week, somehow, i feel darn right cheated.
though i made it clear that this blog won't be my ranting outlet, but the rage just came right after seeing a particular photo.
if grades are so important to u all, why don't u guys start doing something called STUDY and not do stupid shit stuff?

architects in training? my ass.

orange orange.

2009-03-05T12:48:00.000-08:00

other than the orange eye, what fascinates me most about cats is that you could never guess what's on their minds...
never.

amritsar

2009-03-05T06:49:00.001-08:00

after a tiring walk through and out alleys, road crossings and five-foot ways, the sky turns a nice blue.

at that point, all seemed rather worthwhile afterall.

2009-03-03T17:43:00.000-08:00

click here.

the nights of not sleeping is not for naught, i say.

-ph +g for elephant, but this one is supposingly to be frog.

2009-02-27T13:35:00.000-08:00

this week passed like no other semester week, except for the nagging need to attend lectures and then fall asleep in the midst later.

not forgetting the mountainous of work and assignments, and that seems to be what all of us are and can talk about.

somehow, i choose to be biased for some modules over others. other than the people involved in the project being the deciding factor, i realise that hard work may not equate to good grades. and i really dont give a dime about grades. just dont give me Fs or Ds.

recess week indeed

2009-02-25T07:08:00.000-08:00

i think for those who bother to crank their necks up and not look at the floor heads bobbing in sync with the blaring ipod music will be awarded with this pretty sight early this evening.

ironically, this pretty water refraction phenomenon seems to be erupting from the most horrifying building of the college, where the dark alleys hide the most outrageous torture devices ever known to the history of mankind. architecture.

not just a mannequin

2009-02-23T05:47:00.000-08:00

i wonder how many people she had seen walking past serangoon road.
imagine the tales she will tell.
imagine the experiences she have had.
and imagine how much she will have.

sunday interlude

2009-02-21T20:35:00.000-08:00

on a sunday afternoon feeling hot and sticky, switching between cartoons and advertisements, i dare say that i do miss the notion of getting all busy and rushing work out. i guess everyone does feel lost after a major work frenzy. though a break is greatly needed, i guess one day is all that's enough to replenish the weary mind.
then again, to start on new projects give me headaches enough to miss days like today. the stagnant air i shall and will miss, and hence, a bath i should take. till the lunch settle first,

golden ratio aftermath

2009-02-21T07:22:00.000-08:00

p3 ended with a rather unexpected but pleasantly encouraging note. not that im happy with my work, but the tutors were less critical than i've envisioned.

it was rather too much for the crit panel to keep seeing the same old trafaglar square painting for twelve times. but, imagine our pain. to add on to that, our tutor exclaimed, "we shall go for DUCHAMP next!"

his most famous work:

i do hope he wasnt being serious. to stare at the water fountain, what inspirations may we get, i wonder.

first

2009-02-21T07:19:00.000-08:00

as i fumble through html codes to bring a more exciting blog interface, i shall discard my past angsty blog [though the posts still remain] and bring forth a less emotive one. lets this be a new phase; a fresh start.
and for all its worth, i still like writing nonsense and feeling all blues and blacked, minus all the punctuation and grammar mistakes.